Travlr
Well-known member
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, "Throw this and wherever it lands—that's where I'm taking you when this pandemic ends." Turns out, we're spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Daily Chuckle
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Ouachita
Well-known member
Well, that little nugget brings things into focus.
MurraysMutts
Well-known member
Any one got any good fart jokes?
Let one go in the office the other day. Hollered at one of the guys walking by, hey c'mere right quick.
Does it smell like popcorn in here?
Deep breath.......
Yeah. Had to been there I guess
Let one go in the office the other day. Hollered at one of the guys walking by, hey c'mere right quick.
Does it smell like popcorn in here?
Deep breath.......
Yeah. Had to been there I guess
Son of Butch
Well-known member
Nope, all my fart jokes stink.
ie
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because the chicken standing next to her farted.
ie
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because the chicken standing next to her farted.
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50/50Farms
Well-known member
With all due respect, I tried, do not single me out.
To single me out is to imply that somehow I am a singular actor. I am one of many. If you want to @ us all then go ahead. If you want to act like I'm somehow causing it, go... well, you know.
50/50Farms
Well-known member
"I won't be wronged, I won't be insulted, and I won't be laid a hand on. I don't do these things to other people and I require the same from them"
greybeard
Well-known member
My wife threatened to leave me if I insist on using so many Star Wars puns
The divorce is strong with this one.
The divorce is strong with this one.
Ouachita
Well-known member
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child! So what do you think about that Doc?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season."
"One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.... As he neared the lake, he came across a beaver sitting at the water's edge."
"He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the beaver as if it were his favorite hunting rifle, and went 'bang, bang'....
Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child! So what do you think about that Doc?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season."
"One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.... As he neared the lake, he came across a beaver sitting at the water's edge."
"He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the beaver as if it were his favorite hunting rifle, and went 'bang, bang'....
Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
MurraysMutts
Well-known member
I bet giraffes have never even smelled a fart...
Ouachita
Well-known member
An 86 year old went to his doctor and declared that he had married a 20 year old.
The doc warned. Sir, at your age sex could be fatal.
The old man thought a moment, shrugged and said, Well, if she dies, she dies.
The doc warned. Sir, at your age sex could be fatal.
The old man thought a moment, shrugged and said, Well, if she dies, she dies.
Ouachita
Well-known member
A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining
and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.
"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"
They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.
The taxi driver turned around and said, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the
truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."
The little boy's eyes got wide and he said, "Is that true Mom?"
His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answered "Yes."
After a few minutes the kid asked, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens
to them?"
She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."
and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.
"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"
They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.
The taxi driver turned around and said, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the
truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."
The little boy's eyes got wide and he said, "Is that true Mom?"
His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answered "Yes."
After a few minutes the kid asked, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens
to them?"
She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."
Nesikep
Well-known member
These mask jokes aren't very fun . . .
SmokinM
Well-known member
A man is out fishing one day. Not having much luck so he pulls out some dynamite,lights it and throws it in the water. He hasn't been fishing like that long before the game warden comes along and says that is illegal and he is going to have to arrest him and confiscate his boat. The man just lights another stick tosses it to the game warden and says "you gonna talk or you gonna fish."
MurraysMutts
Well-known member
I've just released my own fragrance.
No one in the car seems to like it...
No one in the car seems to like it...
Walking W
Well-known member
They are running ads here for "free nights" of electricity and it's "100% Solar". You tell me how that's done and I will show you an accountant trick behind it.
Rafter S
Well-known member
I mentioned my in-laws in another thread, and it reminded me of something. Over the years my father-in-law would give my wife various exercise equipment. They would just take up room in the house until we got rid of them, and then it seemed like he'd give us another one.
Shortly after they moved into the last house they lived in my father-in-law and I were sitting outside on their concrete patio. My mother-in-law came out and started talking about how shed like to put a wood deck on top of that concrete because it would look nicer. My father-in-law told her it couldn't be done because it wouldn't be able to drain when it rained. She seemed okay with that.
After she went back inside I looked at him and said "AC, I'll make a deal with you."
"What's kind of deal?"
"I know how to build a wood deck on this concrete so it would drain, but I won't tell your wife that if you quit giving mine exercise equipment."
He liked that deal, and we each kept our end of the bargain.
Shortly after they moved into the last house they lived in my father-in-law and I were sitting outside on their concrete patio. My mother-in-law came out and started talking about how shed like to put a wood deck on top of that concrete because it would look nicer. My father-in-law told her it couldn't be done because it wouldn't be able to drain when it rained. She seemed okay with that.
After she went back inside I looked at him and said "AC, I'll make a deal with you."
"What's kind of deal?"
"I know how to build a wood deck on this concrete so it would drain, but I won't tell your wife that if you quit giving mine exercise equipment."
He liked that deal, and we each kept our end of the bargain.
SBMF 2015
Well-known member
greybeard
Well-known member
Redgully
Well-known member
That even made my wife laugh, which is rare she laughs at jokes.
StarBCattle
Member
- Joined
- Feb 20, 2019
- Messages
- 13
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- 20
A man walked into the bar, sat down and ordered a drink. The man next to him produced a case and pulled out a miniature piano and a little guy about a foot tall, who sat down and started playing. After this went an a while, the bartender opened a bottle and out popped a genie, who granted him one wish. "Make sure you speak clearly." Said the man with the piano. "I would like a million bucks" said the bartender. Immediately there was a loud quacking outside as the place was surrounded by ducks. "I told you he was hard of hearing" said the man at the bar. "Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"
