kenny thomas
Well-known member
Im retired and get up early every day. Joints hurt so bad i cant keep laying there. Lol
Daily Chuckle
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greybeard
Well-known member
I just realized I missed my Liars Anonymous meeting last night but I was busy having a threesome with Jennifer Anniston and Kaley Cuoco.
greybeard
Well-known member
The next time a stranger comes up and talks to me while I'm alone, I will look at them as if in shock and whisper quietly, "You can see me?!?"
(ive actually done that once)
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My doctor diagnosed me with anxiety and constipation.
I'm worried chitless.
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Me: "Doctor, I feel unhealthy and depressed."
Doc: "You should cut down on drinking."
Me: "I don't drink."
Doc: "Then you should cut down on smoking."
Me: "I don't smoke."
Doc: "Stop taking drugs."
Me: "I don't do drugs."
Doc: "Cut down on the womanizing."
Me: "I'm not a womanizer."
Doc: "OK then...................I suggest you pour yourself a drink, start smoking, do some drugs, and find a couple of girlfriends."
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Why is Peter Pan always flying?
Because he Neverlands.
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Cigarettes are like squirrels..............
They're perfectly safe until you put one in your mouth and set it on fire.
---------------------------------
Me: "You're starting to act like my ex-wife."
Wife: "You never told me you had an ex-wife."
Me: "I don't."
(ive actually done that once)
------------------------------
My doctor diagnosed me with anxiety and constipation.
I'm worried chitless.
-------------------------------
Me: "Doctor, I feel unhealthy and depressed."
Doc: "You should cut down on drinking."
Me: "I don't drink."
Doc: "Then you should cut down on smoking."
Me: "I don't smoke."
Doc: "Stop taking drugs."
Me: "I don't do drugs."
Doc: "Cut down on the womanizing."
Me: "I'm not a womanizer."
Doc: "OK then...................I suggest you pour yourself a drink, start smoking, do some drugs, and find a couple of girlfriends."
----------------------------------
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
Because he Neverlands.
--------------------------------
Cigarettes are like squirrels..............
They're perfectly safe until you put one in your mouth and set it on fire.
---------------------------------
Me: "You're starting to act like my ex-wife."
Wife: "You never told me you had an ex-wife."
Me: "I don't."
branxchar&charx
Well-known member
coachg
Well-known member
Lannie
Well-known member
Seriously, when I lived in the city and had a full time job, I used to dream about retiring, so I could sleep in past 6:00 am every morning, and EVERY day would be a day off, not just Saturday and Sunday.
Now that I'm retired, I get up every morning at 4:00 am and I haven't had a real day off since sometime in late 2004. Not even kidding. This job is way harder than my old city job! LOL!
Bob-s
Well-known member
Ebenezer
Well-known member
I always enjoyed Slappy White who was a black comedian of decades ago. He told that Bunker Hill story as a black soldier in a black regiment and his commander gave the order, "Don't shoot until you see the whites!" Today that would not be acceptable except at speeches prior to riots and looting. Woke has not improved society.
Mrcopier
Well-known member
I know someone that retired and she said that she didn't know how she found time to go to work she was so busy doing other things
greybeard
Well-known member
I sat in the hair cutting lady's chair and said "Make me look sexy again"
She pulled out a bottle and started drinking.
Shouldn't hallways in psychiatric hospitals be called psycho paths?
She pulled out a bottle and started drinking.
Shouldn't hallways in psychiatric hospitals be called psycho paths?
gman4691
Well-known member
I was going to start a support group for procrastinators but I never got around to it.
gman4691
Well-known member
off...that's rough...lol
gman4691
Well-known member
One day, on the savannah, a lion, a cheetah, an elephant and a warthog were all sitting around after their respective meals and discussing which species has the biggest potential for success. The elephant suggested that they settle this, once and for all, and that they take a cue from humans and test this by starting their own businesses, and then checking in in a month to see who did best.
The Warthog decided to hire other warthogs to occupy the shadiest groves, and then charged animals $5 to lay in the shade.
The Elephant built an elaborate harness for his back, and charged other animals $15 for elephant rides.
The Lion started a personal protection racket, offering gazelles protection from the lions in exchange for a fee of $10.
But the Cheetah had the best idea of all, starting a courier service, using his incredible speed to bring messages from animal to animal, all across the savannah, for $20. Within weeks, all the animals were using the Cheetah's service to communicate, while the lion, elephant, and warthog sat mostly idle.
Finally, a month had passed, and the elephant, cheetah, warthog, and lion met up again with their bank statements to try and guess who might win. The Warthog had earned $150, the Elephant had earned $185, the Lion had earned $200. But Cheetah's bank statement showed only $2. The other animals were shocked, because "Fast Cat Courier" was the most successful business by far. The other animals asked Cheetah what went wrong.
"Business has been great," the spotted cat said, "but alas, Cheetahs never prosper.
The Warthog decided to hire other warthogs to occupy the shadiest groves, and then charged animals $5 to lay in the shade.
The Elephant built an elaborate harness for his back, and charged other animals $15 for elephant rides.
The Lion started a personal protection racket, offering gazelles protection from the lions in exchange for a fee of $10.
But the Cheetah had the best idea of all, starting a courier service, using his incredible speed to bring messages from animal to animal, all across the savannah, for $20. Within weeks, all the animals were using the Cheetah's service to communicate, while the lion, elephant, and warthog sat mostly idle.
Finally, a month had passed, and the elephant, cheetah, warthog, and lion met up again with their bank statements to try and guess who might win. The Warthog had earned $150, the Elephant had earned $185, the Lion had earned $200. But Cheetah's bank statement showed only $2. The other animals were shocked, because "Fast Cat Courier" was the most successful business by far. The other animals asked Cheetah what went wrong.
"Business has been great," the spotted cat said, "but alas, Cheetahs never prosper.
gman4691
Well-known member
I would rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
Named'em Tamed'em
Well-known member
greybeard
Well-known member
He shoulda been a Nell...
Son of Butch
Well-known member
Went for my first rectal exam.
The nurse came in, set some items on the counter and proceeded to take my blood pressure and vitals.
She left and I saw on the counter a box of examination gloves, a tube of K-Y jelly and a beer.
It made me a bit nervous as it was a bottle of beer, as I was pondering the implications...
The doctor came in and I pointed to the beer asking as hopefully as I could, Is that suppose to relax me?
He turned to the door and called out, "Susie, I said a Butt Light."
'whew'
The nurse came in, set some items on the counter and proceeded to take my blood pressure and vitals.
She left and I saw on the counter a box of examination gloves, a tube of K-Y jelly and a beer.
It made me a bit nervous as it was a bottle of beer, as I was pondering the implications...
The doctor came in and I pointed to the beer asking as hopefully as I could, Is that suppose to relax me?
He turned to the door and called out, "Susie, I said a Butt Light."
'whew'
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gman4691
Well-known member
A bottle of Omega 3 Fatty Acids fell on my head yesterday at the store. Don't worry, I only got super fish oil injuries.
