Country-speak

[MO_cows]

Don't know the difference between your azz and a hole in the ground.

Can't find your backside with both hands.

Colder than a witch's tit.

Not really country, but I like this one that my son the volunteer firefighter put on his truck:
Heaven doesn't want me, and hell's afraid I'll put it out!

 

[Caustic Burno]

Dads was your are barking like a little feist dog just to feel your butthole wiggle.
The one you never wanted to hear before you can plow the field, you have to get
mules attention. Hickory works best.

Forgot one you don't know the difference between cow shyt and wild honey.

 

[Deepsouth]

Don't let your alligator mouth overload your bird dog asz!

 

[tamarack]

My brother after a night drinkin" No wonder I got sick my stomick was full of puke!"

 

[Ouachita]

Don't let your alligator mouth overload your bird dog asz!

I just went through the whole thread to make sure this had not been posted. My Granddads version was just a little different. He would tell us "She done let her alligator mouth overload her hummingbird azz"

 

[Commercialfarmer]

She's built like a burlap bag full of bobcats.

My dad- Can't never did anything.

Wish I still had a good memory, a cousin and I had a list of grandpa's sayings memorized. It kept us rolling for hours, I can't recall but a couple at the moment and I hate that.

Pull up to the black top and he'd ask- Anyone coming bigger than we are?

Tell him about a noise coming from something- That noise isn't a problem, it's when it stops, that we'll get concerned.

 

[M5farm]

If I tell you a flea can pick cotton you best get a sack.

 

[TexasBred]

That ol' boy can hear a mouse pizzing on a bale of cotton.

 

[OldCrow]

My dad- Can't never did anything.quote]

My Dad said that all the time when I was younger. His was like this: "Can't never did do nothing". Man I hated that saying, but I use it now when someone says can't.

 

[Rafter S]

When someone was telling about a situation where they were caught by surprise and didn't know how to react: "I didn't know whether to s**t or go blind!".

 

[J&D Cattle]

She's built like a burlap bag full of bobcats.

My dad- Can't never did anything.

Wish I still had a good memory, a cousin and I had a list of grandpa's sayings memorized. It kept us rolling for hours, I can't recall but a couple at the moment and I hate that.

Pull up to the black top and he'd ask- Anyone coming bigger than we are?

Tell him about a noise coming from something- That noise isn't a problem, it's when it stops, that we'll get concerned.

My Dad was a little rougher, "Can't never did a GD thing son".

 

[Shanghai]

I may be bowlegged and blind but ...
( a way of saying I maybe wrong but this is what I think )

 

[crossbredcalves]

I have been trying to remember a term my Dad would say. Maybe you all can help out.
... As a 3 peckered billy goat.

Busier than a two peckered billy goat?

and
Happier than a puppy with two peckers

 

[melking]

If our aunt had balls we'd call her uncle, for when you said if.
I'm so broke if they were selling steamboats half price all I could do is run along the bank and say there goes a cheap one.
Boy, you couldn't pour pizz out of a boot if the directions were on the heal
When I was growing up I hated it when dad said let's go do something "real quick", it was never quick, but I find myself saying it all the time.

Larry

I use the first one all the time. And down here we frequently hear and use "taint broke"

 

[Deepsouth]

If you don't use your head you might as well have two ass'es.

 

[TexasBred]

"That ol' girl has an ass like a $40 mule.".

 

[larryshoat]

Colder that a well diggers azz
Longer than a well rope in Kansas
My grandpa talked about "haints".
That grounds as black as your hat.
Boy you don't know horsesh*t from apple butter.
Busier than a one armed paper hanger.
Busier that a one legged man at an azz kickin party.

Larry

 

[Workinonit Farm]

Ugly as homemade soap.

So ugly I wouldn't take 'em to a dogfight.

 

[M5farm]

Does a one legged duck swim in circles

 

[M5farm]

She was beat with a ugly stick

Or she fell out of a ugly tree and hit every limb on the way down