Blonde in Church

[TexasBred]

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."

No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

 

[Sir Loin]

:lol:
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-panel energy-efficient kind. Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago, and I still hadn't paid for them.
Hellllloooooo, just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.
So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales rep had told me last year; that is, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
Hellllooooooo? It's been a year! I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot!!


Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob. "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again." Bob took the money.


THE AMISH ELEVATOR

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost
everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could
move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never
seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a heavy older
lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The
walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular
numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the
numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde
stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son...


"Go get your mother."

 

[TexasBred]

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO DALLAS, WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP, AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.

SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO DALLAS AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO DALLAS AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN, WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

"I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO DALLAS".

 

[Sir Loin]

JOKES TO OFFEND EVERYONE


What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?

The position of the dirt bag

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?


Doughnuts


Why is air a lot like sex?

Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.


What do you call a smart blonde?


A golden retriever.


What do attorneys use for birth control?


Their personalities.



What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

45 minutes


What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife


Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.


What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you


Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

'Are you sure it's mine?'


Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Mace will do that to you.



Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.


Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A different bar.


Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a
blonde baby?

They named him 'Sum Ting Wong'


What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A speech impediment


What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?


A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... 'a recipe'.


How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time ..' -A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this s**t

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom of Heaven, they had to tell him what Easter was.

The first blonde said, "Easter is the holiday where they have a big feast, give thanks and eat turkey."
St. Peter rolled his eyes, said, "Blondes," and banished her to Hell.

The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate the birth of Jesus and exchange gifts."

St. Peter said, "Wrong," and he banished her to Hell.

St. Peter looked at the third blonde and said, "OK ... tell me."

She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder."

St. Peter was impressed. "Verrrrry good," he said.

The blonde continued, "Now every year, they roll away the boulder, and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."


St. Peter fainted

 

[chrisy]

what is this a joke off?????
Morry and his wife Ester are out for a walk and they come across a junk shop, they go inside
and on a shelf they spy a beautiful lamp,
Morry says to Ester, hey isn't this one like that one in the Ali Barber story,
with saying that he rubs the lamp, and out comes a Gennie,
he thanks Morry and says you can have one wish,
Morry thinks for a moment and while looking out of the window he sees a gorgeous blonde.
he says Gennie can you make my Ester look like that girl over there,
the Gennie says I said a wish not a miracle, have you another one,
Morry thinks for a few more minutes and replies, Yes. I would like peace in the Far East
amongst the Israelis and the Palestinians....
The Gennie thinks for a moment then says, what was that first wish again.

 

[ga.prime]

 

[plumber_greg]

Why do dogs lick their own testicals.






Cuz' they can't make a fist. gs

 

[Kathie in Thorp]

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said ...
"Fifty" years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched
a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 18-year-old girl.

Now ... I have a $500,000.00 home, a $35,000.00 car, a nice big bed and a large screen
TV, but I'm sleeping with a 68-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up
your side of things."
Bro-in-Law passed this one along . . . .

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 18-year-old girl
and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car,
sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.

 

[Sir Loin]

A blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK.
She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said....

You'll love this... Yep. I know you will..

"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."



Why did the blonde keep empty beer bottles in her refrigerator?

For her friends who didn't drink.


A blonde walked into the elevator tossing her keys up in the air and catching them. After one too many tosses, she dropped the keys, and we watched as they disappeared into the crack between the open doors and the floor.

I felt terrible for her. Or I did until she cried, "Oh no! Not again!"


What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?
Pregnant with twins

 

[chrisy]

enough enough already with the blonde jokes, ya know if ya had a brain cell between y'all you'd be dangerous. :help:
Sir Loin...glad you cleared that one up about two coats on the paint tin, now I know where I've been going wrong.

 

[Sir Loin]

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS
---------------------------------------------------------
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very care fully,' the divorce court
judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and
then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
---------------------------------------------------------
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the emergency room, took
the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband.
'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
-----------------------------------------------------------
An old man goes to the wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that
were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
----------------------------------------------------------
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take
to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
----------------------------------------------------------
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
----------------------------------------------------------
A man is recovering from surgery when the surgical nurse appears an d asks
him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'
------------------------------------------------------------
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of
bathing suits.. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had
even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.
.......................................................................
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive
clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'

I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not
allow me to take leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a
few days off.
So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss
might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in
the name of good GOD are you doing?'**
**I told him I was a light bulb.** **
**He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.' Go home and recuperate for a
couple of days.'
I jumped down and walked out of the office...
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, '..And
where do you think you're going?!'* *

*
**She said, 'I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark**.**'*

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards."

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"

"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires means three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."

"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"



I LOVE THIS ONE...........
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards,
you might as well gas up!"

FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!

 

[ga.prime]

 

[slick4591]

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about
this and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked: 'Now Maria, why
Do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well, Senora, there are tree reasons why I want an increase. The
first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Jor husband say so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Jor husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh..'

Maria: 'The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in bed.'
Wife: (really furious now) 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Senora...the gardener did.'
.........
Wife: 'So how much do you want?

 

[Sir Loin]

:lol: :lol: :tiphat:

 

[alisonb]

ga prime - I found your contribution to this thread hilarious :lol: :lol:

 

[ga.prime]

Glad you liked that, ali.