A person wrote a letter to the White House complaining about the
treatment of a captive taken during the Afghanistan war.
Attached is a copy of a letter they received back:
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue ,
Washington , D.C. 20016
Dear Concerned Citizen:
Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our
treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees currently being
held at Guantanamo Bay , Cuba .
Our administration takes these matters seriously, and your
opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington .
You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of
citizens like you, we are creating a new division of the
Terrorist Retrai! ning Program, to be called the "Liberals Accept
Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short. In
accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have
decided to place one terrorist under your personal care.
Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for
transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence next
Monday.
Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is
to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally
demanded in your letter of admonishment. It will likely be
necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will
conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care
for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly
recommended in your letter.
Ahmed's meal requirements are simple, but we strongly suggest
serving meals that do not require utensils, particularly knives
and forks.
Also,these should be "one-handed" foods; Ahmed ! will not eat with
his left hand since he uses it ! to wipe himself after purging
his bowels (which he will do in your yard) - but look on the
bright side.. no increase in the toilet paper bill.
He generally bathes quarterly with the change of seasons,
assuming that it rains, and he washes his clothes
simultaneously. This should help with your water bill. Also,
your new friend has a really bad case of body lice that hasn't
been completely remedied. Please heed the large orange notice
attach ed to your detainee's cage: "Does not play well with others."
Although Ahmed is sociopathic and extremely violent, we hope
that your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal
problem" will help him overcome these character flaws.
Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere
cultural differences. He will bite you, given the chance, but
his rabies test came back negative, so not to worry. We
understand that you p! lan to offer counseling and home schooling.
Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand
combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a
pencil or nail clippers. We do not suggest that you ask him to
demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group He is also
expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common
household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked
up, unless (in your opinion)this might offend him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughter s
(except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of
property. However,he will be eager to assist with the education
of your sons; have available for their use several copies of the
Q'uran. Oh - and rest assured he absolutely loves animals,
especially cats and dogs. He prefers them roasted, but raw is
fine, too, if they aren't more than 2 or 3 days dead.
Thanks again for your letter. We truly a! ppreciate it when folks
like you, who know so much, keep us informed of the proper way
to do our job.
We think this watching over each other's shoulder is such a good
way for pe! ople to interact that we will be sending a team of
federal officials with expertise in your line of work to your
place of business soon, just to help you do your job better.
Don't be concerned that they have the power to close your
business, seize your property, and arrest you for any violation
of the 4,850,206 laws, codes, regulations and rules that apply
to your profession. They're real ly there just to make sure
you're doing everything the proper way. That is what you wanted,
right?
Well, thank you for this opportunity to interact with such a
valued member of the citizenry. You take good care of Ahmed -
and remember...we'll be watching.
Cordially...
Your Buddy,
Don Rumsfeld
treatment of a captive taken during the Afghanistan war.
Attached is a copy of a letter they received back:
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue ,
Washington , D.C. 20016
Dear Concerned Citizen:
Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our
treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees currently being
held at Guantanamo Bay , Cuba .
Our administration takes these matters seriously, and your
opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington .
You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of
citizens like you, we are creating a new division of the
Terrorist Retrai! ning Program, to be called the "Liberals Accept
Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short. In
accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have
decided to place one terrorist under your personal care.
Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for
transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence next
Monday.
Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is
to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally
demanded in your letter of admonishment. It will likely be
necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will
conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care
for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly
recommended in your letter.
Ahmed's meal requirements are simple, but we strongly suggest
serving meals that do not require utensils, particularly knives
and forks.
Also,these should be "one-handed" foods; Ahmed ! will not eat with
his left hand since he uses it ! to wipe himself after purging
his bowels (which he will do in your yard) - but look on the
bright side.. no increase in the toilet paper bill.
He generally bathes quarterly with the change of seasons,
assuming that it rains, and he washes his clothes
simultaneously. This should help with your water bill. Also,
your new friend has a really bad case of body lice that hasn't
been completely remedied. Please heed the large orange notice
attach ed to your detainee's cage: "Does not play well with others."
Although Ahmed is sociopathic and extremely violent, we hope
that your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal
problem" will help him overcome these character flaws.
Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere
cultural differences. He will bite you, given the chance, but
his rabies test came back negative, so not to worry. We
understand that you p! lan to offer counseling and home schooling.
Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand
combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a
pencil or nail clippers. We do not suggest that you ask him to
demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group He is also
expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common
household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked
up, unless (in your opinion)this might offend him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughter s
(except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of
property. However,he will be eager to assist with the education
of your sons; have available for their use several copies of the
Q'uran. Oh - and rest assured he absolutely loves animals,
especially cats and dogs. He prefers them roasted, but raw is
fine, too, if they aren't more than 2 or 3 days dead.
Thanks again for your letter. We truly a! ppreciate it when folks
like you, who know so much, keep us informed of the proper way
to do our job.
We think this watching over each other's shoulder is such a good
way for pe! ople to interact that we will be sending a team of
federal officials with expertise in your line of work to your
place of business soon, just to help you do your job better.
Don't be concerned that they have the power to close your
business, seize your property, and arrest you for any violation
of the 4,850,206 laws, codes, regulations and rules that apply
to your profession. They're real ly there just to make sure
you're doing everything the proper way. That is what you wanted,
right?
Well, thank you for this opportunity to interact with such a
valued member of the citizenry. You take good care of Ahmed -
and remember...we'll be watching.
Cordially...
Your Buddy,
Don Rumsfeld
