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    Rowing contest

    A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (Ford Motors) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The Americans, very discouraged and depressed...
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    The Nurse

    The nurse A nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat, she says...
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    Senior moments

    For all of us who are---seniors---for all of you who know seniors---and for all of you who will be seniors. It pays to be able to laugh about it when you are! And, Speaking of Senior Moments: 'WHERE IS MY SUNDAY PAPER?' The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded...
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    MILITARY WISDOM

    MILITARY WISDOM 'If the enemy is in range, so are you.' - Infantry Journal ------------ --------- --------- --------- 'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.' - U.S. Air Force Manual ----------- --------- --------- --------- 'Whoever said the pen is...
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    Blonde AI expert

    Amy, a blond city girl, marries a rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow...
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    A LUCKY BREAK

    A LUCKY BREAK Five local buckaroos were playing poker at the Silver Spur Saloon when one of the players, named Owen, loses five hundred dollars on a single hand. It was just too much for his weak old heart to take. As he clutched at his chest, he stood up and promptly dropped dead at the...
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    KNOW THY ENEMY

    KNOW THY ENEMY A local farming community was about to hold their Sunday morning church services. As the townsfolk were sitting in their pews talking amongst themselves, Satan suddenly appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling...
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    A Nun's Kiss

    Subject: FW: Nun kiss A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.' She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend...
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    Settling a cow case

    Settling a cow case A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried...
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    The monkey in the bar

    The monkey in the bar......... A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey He orders a drink and, while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table...
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    Andy Rooney Sayings

    I've learned.... That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person. I've learned.... That when you're in love, it shows. I've learned.... That just one person saying to me, 'You've made my day!' makes my day. I've learned.... That having a child fall asleep in your arms...
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    The Ventriloquist

    A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show > in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going > through his usual > dumb blonde jokes.. Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on > her chair and starts shouting, 'I've heard...
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    Blonde Texas Trooper

    Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on >>>> the >>>> Texas Highway Patrol. >>>> >>>> >>>> The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them >>>> and >>>> said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?" The blondes all nodded. >>>> >>>> >>>> The...
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    Rural Doctors

    A young doctor had moved out to a small community to> replace a doctor who was retiring.? The older doctor suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complained, 'I've been a little sick to my stomach.' The...
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    Naval Retirement

    RETIREMENT BONUS, Navy Style The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early Retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line Between any two points in his body. The officer got to...
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    APPLE ANNOUNCEMENT

    APPLE ANNOUNCEMENT Apple announced today that it has developed a breast Implant that can store and play music. The I-Tit will Cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker Size. This has been hailed as a major social breakthrough, Because women are always complaining about men staring...
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    It's A Boy...

    It's A Boy... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Back in the woods, a redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the...
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    Top 10 Reasons to Know You're a Redneck

    Top 10 Reasons to Know You're a Redneck 1. Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife. 2. You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations. 3. You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would...
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    Lunch Time

    An Irishman, a Italian and a redneck were doing construction work on the scaffolding of a tall building. They were eating lunch. The Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building." The Italian opened his...
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    Halloween Party

    Halloween Party A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband...
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