Daily Joke

[slick4591]

[chrisy]

[FarmGirl10]

[kenny thomas]

Now thats a good one.

[FarmGirl10]

In honor of April Fools Day

[Nesikep]

ROFL!

[TexasBred]

Robert, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old . . . Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Robert should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities, Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.

Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Robert, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Robert takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Robert, again he is ready for more 'action'.

Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Robert kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it Robert is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25 year old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Robert gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Robert.'

Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'

[TexasBred]

Airport Screenings for 2011

The Year 2011 is over.

Homeland Security has provided their end-of-the-year statistics on airport

screenings here in the U.S.

It is amazing what those full-body scanners have shown.

* Terrorist Plots Discovered: 0
* Transvestites: 743
* Enlarged Prostates: 19,249
* Breast Implants: 209,350
* Colon problems: 27,298
* Natural Blondes: 3

[Nesikep]

As we just had april fools, here's the joke my friend played on his long-time girlfriend. at 2 am, he texted her saying he just rearended a cop car at a red light.. so she texted back asking if all was well, etc... he didn't reply for 45 minutes... after that he texted back saying "Gotcha - April fools"

Was she ever ticked off, but then she had to admit it was well done

[slick4591]

[Nesikep]

Mathematics:
This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic.
It also made me Laugh Out Loud.

This is a strictly ..... mathematical viewpoint.. and it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there.
Its the be nice and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
Now you know why some people are where they are!

-- Cliff Myatt Sr.

[FarmGirl10]

[slick4591]

Texas tan line.

[john250]

God Bless Texas

[slick4591]

Here is today's grammar lesson. . .

On his 70th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man.

The medicine man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, 'This is powerful medicine. It must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

The old man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until next full moon."

The old man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.